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More jokes

A place to post non bike stuff, jokes, rumours, or just fun threads of idle banter. Please try to be tasteful - politically incorrect is one thing, downright filthy is another. Malicious insults are not acceptable.

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KURODORI
Jaw Flapper
Posts: 325
Joined: Mon Jan 24, 2011 2:43 pm
Location: a place far, far away...

Re: More jokes

Post by KURODORI » Sun Aug 13, 2017 10:25 am

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Charles Dickens went into a bar...

Charles: "I'll have a martini."

Bartender: "Olive or twist?"




A skeleton went into a bar...

Skeleton: "I'll have a beer and a mop!"




What's the difference between a fox and a dog?



Two beers.

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"The rare power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by the countless who have not got it, and even common sense is not so common" -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

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Dicko
Loud mouthed schnook
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Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2005 4:28 pm
Location: Como

Re: More jokes

Post by Dicko » Sat Sep 02, 2017 7:22 pm

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree.

He called John's Gorilla Removal Service, and soon John arrived with a stick, a German Shepherd, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

“Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner, “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground.

The German Shepherd will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on.”

“Ok, got it,” the homeowner replied, “but… what’s that shotgun for?”

“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” John said, “shoot the Shepherd.”

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Dicko
Loud mouthed schnook
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Location: Como

Re: More jokes

Post by Dicko » Tue Sep 05, 2017 6:18 pm

The Wisdom of the Rabbi

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "Irving, I need a favour - I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in temple for an hour after services for me?"

Irving not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.

After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to with all this?"

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi "I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."

The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, said "Irving I think you'd better hurry home—my wife died two years ago!"

RoadSurfer

Re: More jokes

Post by RoadSurfer » Wed Dec 20, 2017 8:28 am

A Christmas story.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more ...
He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.
He went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

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Boxer
Going Hoarse
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Joined: Thu Jul 19, 2007 6:19 pm
Location: The beach

Re: More jokes

Post by Boxer » Mon Jan 15, 2018 4:10 pm

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Rumination on two strokes

A man knocked on my door and asked “would I be Jehovah’s witness?
I said “sorry, I didn’t see the accident”.

I learnt accidents happen two kilometres from home, so I moved.

Until recently I thought “two stroke” was short hand for premature ejaculation; “four stroke” ain’t much better.

Where there’s smoke there’s a two stroke motorcycle.

I rode two strokes when I was a kid that’s why I never smoked cigarettes; my lungs had had enough smoke by the time I was licensed.

Two strokes? Not for me, I can’t afford the dry cleaning.

Motorcycling is the ability to ride a two stroke without having to wash your hands.

I thought of riding a two stroke but didn’t want to move to a narrower power band.

You can always tell when someone is a hardened world wise biker, their bike looks just like yours.

My first bike was a two stroke, that's where I learned personal hygiene– washing the oil of my face and hands.
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non tantum ut olei ad pulmentum

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Boxer
Going Hoarse
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Joined: Thu Jul 19, 2007 6:19 pm
Location: The beach

Re: More jokes

Post by Boxer » Mon Jan 15, 2018 4:12 pm

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Why did Mrs Clause divorce Santa Clause?

He only came once a year and that was down the chimney.
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non tantum ut olei ad pulmentum

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Boxer
Going Hoarse
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Location: The beach

Re: More jokes

Post by Boxer » Mon Jan 15, 2018 4:19 pm

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The ancient rabbi was about to retire.

The rabbi had for the last 60 years gone every day to the Wailing Wall (aka Al-Buraq Wall) to pray for world peace.

At his retirement celebration, the rabbi was asked: “how did you go at achieving your lifetime goal?”

The rabbi said; “It was like talking to a brick wall.”
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non tantum ut olei ad pulmentum

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Buzz
Foghorn
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Location: Bassendean

Re: More jokes

Post by Buzz » Tue Jan 16, 2018 1:10 am

I like the last one Boxer.
Buzz.

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Plato
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Location: The Acropolis

Re: More jokes

Post by Plato » Mon Jan 22, 2018 8:08 am

Boxer's jokes are side-splitting!

Anyway:
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Yours in thought.

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BillWest
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Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 8:14 pm
Location: Would still prefer the Greek Islands....

Re: More jokes

Post by BillWest » Tue Feb 13, 2018 7:44 am

I went to the liquor store on Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch, and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

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BillWest
Site Admin
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Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 8:14 pm
Location: Would still prefer the Greek Islands....

Re: More jokes

Post by BillWest » Sat Feb 17, 2018 6:02 pm

Is it true?

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Image
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

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BillWest
Site Admin
Posts: 3420
Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 8:14 pm
Location: Would still prefer the Greek Islands....

Re: More jokes

Post by BillWest » Sun Mar 04, 2018 7:58 am

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading a forum page.

You hang in there, sunshine!

:D
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

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RB2
Going Hoarse
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Location: Belmont
Contact:

Re: More jokes

Post by RB2 » Wed Mar 28, 2018 10:19 am

3 guys go on a deserted island. They go looking around and find a cannibal. The cannibal says, “I’ll spare your lives if you do 2 tasks. The first is you must get 10 of the same fruit.”

The first guy brings 10 grapes with pits in them. Then the guy says, “OK. What is my second task?”

The cannibal says, “You must shove them up your butt without any emotion.” The first guy puts 4 up his butt and then groans, so the cannibal kills him.

The second guy brings 10 cherries. The cannibal tells him the second task and the second guy stuffs 9 up his butt and then laughs. He gets killed. Then up in heaven the first guy asks the second guy why he laughed because he was so close. The second guy says because I saw the third guy coming with 10 pineapples!
Kurt RB2 Perth WA

We, the willing, led by the unknowing, do the impossible for the ungrateful. For so long we have done so much with so little, that in the meantime, we are able to do everything with nothing.

WYSIWYG

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BillWest
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Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 8:14 pm
Location: Would still prefer the Greek Islands....

Re: More jokes

Post by BillWest » Sat May 05, 2018 11:15 am

Rumour has it that Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat IS bad for you.

I think parliamentarians should wear uniforms, just like racing drivers, so we can identify their corporate sponsors.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENT'S MISTAKES- USE BIRTH CONTROL.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

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Olga
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Location: On call.

Re: More jokes

Post by Olga » Tue May 22, 2018 8:04 am

Here is joke from Mother Russki.


An engineer died and went to Hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he started designing and building improvements.
After a while, Hell had air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.
The engineer was a pretty popular guy.

One day God called and asked Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan said, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."

God was horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have ended up down there ! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here right away !"

Satan said, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God said, "Either you send him back up here right now, or I'll sue."


"Oh sure, right," Satan laughed, "And you are going to get a lawyer from where?"
Marriage is fine institution, but I not ready for an institution.
When you masticate, be sure to be using the condiments.

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Olga
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Re: More jokes

Post by Olga » Wed May 30, 2018 8:48 am

Men, are all same ...
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Marriage is fine institution, but I not ready for an institution.
When you masticate, be sure to be using the condiments.

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Olga
Regular Chatterbox
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Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 5:50 pm
Location: On call.

Re: More jokes

Post by Olga » Tue Aug 07, 2018 8:41 am

I just reading this in report in Woman Weekly. Ha!

Reporting say:

"The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics were just released from The United Nations Board of Health Teams.They revealed that: Australian men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky."


This very upsetting news to many of Australian friends at Walpole Bowls Club, nobody of them having any idea that they Japanese.

Image
Marriage is fine institution, but I not ready for an institution.
When you masticate, be sure to be using the condiments.

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