More jokes

A place to post non bike stuff, jokes, rumours, or just fun threads of idle banter. Please try to be tasteful - politically incorrect is one thing, downright filthy is another. Malicious insults are not acceptable.

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RB2
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Re: More jokes

Post by RB2 » Thu Mar 02, 2017 5:37 pm

A bloke calls a taxi and jumps in when it arrives totally naked except for a cherry in his mouth. The driver tells him to get out, but the gent points out he is on his way to a masquerade ball and his costume is a Ferrero "Mon Cherie". The driver accepts the ride but on the way a stray mutt runs out in front of the cab causing the driver to swerve and the mans swallows the cherry. He screams at the driver that he ruined RUINED the costume and that the driver was liable to replace it, and straight away... Well, the driver agreed, called into a 711,but because they had no cherries, he bought a jar of raspberry jam instead. "What's this?" screamed the passenger? I wanted a cherry, you ruined my costume!" The taxi driver replied that he could not get a cherry, but he could jam the rasberry jam up his bum and go as a donut!
Kurt RB2 Perth WA

We, the willing, led by the unknowing, do the impossible for the ungrateful. For so long we have done so much with so little, that in the meantime, we are able to do everything with nothing.

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Re: More jokes

Post by RoadSurfer » Fri Mar 10, 2017 7:38 am

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, " Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. " I'm going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

" Lecturer," she responded.
" I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said.
"And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. " I'm sorry," she said, " I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."

"Tonto," the man said,
" Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

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RoadSurfer

Re: More jokes

Post by RoadSurfer » Fri Mar 10, 2017 7:42 am

They say that arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement. In the end you just ignore everything and click "agree".

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Siberian
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Re: More jokes

Post by Siberian » Sun Apr 09, 2017 3:59 pm

I know this is a joke site, but I am asking people on every possible forum to wish me luck!!

I am on my way to speak to the bank manager, and if things work out for me my life will be drastically changed....I'm talking millions here!!!


I am so excited I can barely get the stocking over my head!!

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Mark Johnstone
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Re: More jokes

Post by Mark Johnstone » Wed Apr 12, 2017 7:42 am

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Perth and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is an Eagles fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Eagles fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not an Eagles fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not an Eagles fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Carlton fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Carlton fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Carlton, and my mum is a Carlton fan and my dad is a Carlton fan, so I'm a Carlton fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Carlton fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Collingwood fan."
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BillWest
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Re: More jokes

Post by BillWest » Mon Apr 17, 2017 10:28 am

Repair rates.
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BillWest
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Re: More jokes

Post by BillWest » Mon Apr 24, 2017 7:48 am

TRUE DEFINITION OF a CO-PILOT

Many years ago on a long trans-continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crew. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the Navigator and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly.
She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain he was responsible for everything in the aircraft and to fly and direct everyone in it.

She turned to the First Officer and asked, "Well young man, what is your job??

He replied "Ma'am, I am the Captain's sexual adviser."


Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that?"


"Very simple ma'am. The Captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my fa**arking advice, he'll ask me."

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Mark Johnstone
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Re: More jokes

Post by Mark Johnstone » Mon May 01, 2017 6:28 pm

Sorry Girls.

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"That?s very strange," says the doctor, "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left wrist and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.

She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "Hmmm, but can I ask - you're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
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BillWest
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Re: More jokes

Post by BillWest » Mon May 15, 2017 8:30 am

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why isn't there cat flavoured dog food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal Injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If Con is the opposite of Pro, is Congress the opposite of Progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the Terminal?

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RoadSurfer

Re: More jokes

Post by RoadSurfer » Tue May 23, 2017 12:46 pm

This is what all of you 70+ years old, and yet-to-be senior citizens, have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center.

The people who lived there have small apartments, but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so one of the lady residents went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door, and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived, so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance, but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step, so they called an ambulance for him. A couple of hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.

The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.


I encourage you to send this to your children so that they don?t sell the house before they know the facts.

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Plato
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Re: More jokes

Post by Plato » Wed May 24, 2017 8:03 am

The importance of accuracy in your tax return

The ATO has returned last year's Tax Return to a man in Townsville after he apparently incorrectly answered one of the questions.

In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you ?", the man wrote:

"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 450 idiots in Parliament, thousands of 'retired politicians' and an entire group that call themselves 'Senators'."

The ATO stated that the response he gave was "unacceptable".

The man's response back to ATO was, "Who did I leave out?"
Yours in thought.

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Siberian
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Re: More jokes

Post by Siberian » Mon May 29, 2017 4:36 pm

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike

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Siberian
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Re: More jokes

Post by Siberian » Tue May 30, 2017 12:00 pm

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Hey mate, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife..
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff

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Siberian
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Re: More jokes

Post by Siberian » Wed May 31, 2017 7:09 pm

A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $100 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $100 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."

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Siberian
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Re: More jokes

Post by Siberian » Thu Jun 01, 2017 4:57 pm

Young man goes to visit his grandpa in the old folks home. "How's the food"?
"Fine, lots of it".
"People"?
"Fine, friendly"?
"So how you sleeping"?
"Oh terrific, they give me hot chocolate and a Viagra at night and I sleep a full nine hours"
The young man was horrified at this and rushed off to find a nurse.
"Surely this isn't correct" he says "giving a ninety year old man chocolate and Viagra"

"Oh yes" replied the nurse "it's standard practice. The hot chocolate helps him sleep and the Viagra ensures that he doesn't roll out of bed in the night".......

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Siberian
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Re: More jokes

Post by Siberian » Fri Jun 02, 2017 4:57 pm

A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt was too tight and she couldn't step.
She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again.

The skirt was still too tight.
She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more.

She still couldn't get on the bus and lowered the zipper a third time.

All of a sudden, she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the bus.

She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner."

The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough either for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

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Siberian
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Re: More jokes

Post by Siberian » Sat Jun 03, 2017 7:59 pm

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: March 21, 2012
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

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Siberian
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Re: More jokes

Post by Siberian » Sun Jun 04, 2017 4:38 pm

Never Argue with Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, ?When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.?
The teacher asked, ?What if Jonah went to hell??

The little girl replied, ?Then you ask him."

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Siberian
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Re: More jokes

Post by Siberian » Mon Jun 05, 2017 10:54 am

A group of primary prep school children, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Caufield races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.?

'No, love,' he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

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Siberian
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Re: More jokes

Post by Siberian » Tue Jun 06, 2017 10:40 am

As I got into my car this morning my neighbour Paddy came over and said, "Simon, can you give me a lift somewhere? It won't take long.?

"Sure," I replied, "Jump in.?

He said, "Do a left here and then another left after 800 meters.?

"Ok," I replied.

"Now do another left here," he continued,

"And then another left at the end.?

After a few minutes he said, "Now stop.?

I said, "Paddy, we are back at your house!?

He said, "I know, there's no way I'm jogging in this weather."

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Siberian
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Re: More jokes

Post by Siberian » Tue Jun 06, 2017 10:41 am

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father see's it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

But Dad, it wasn't my fault.
We were all in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt.
I reached over and pulled it out.
That's when she hit me!

"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to women.

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!?

"But Dad" Little Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault.

There we were in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.
Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.

Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

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Siberian
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Re: More jokes

Post by Siberian » Wed Jun 07, 2017 6:52 pm

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word "typewriter.?

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mummy that daddy needs to type a letter.?

The child told her mum what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter.?

The child went back to tell her father what mummy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.?

The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced,

"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

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Siberian
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Re: More jokes

Post by Siberian » Thu Jun 08, 2017 6:45 am

True story?s folks!

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don?t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75c in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD?s.


We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since?


I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don?t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.?



IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.


I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.?


When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver?s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
?Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.?


STAY ALERT!
They walk among us,

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Siberian
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Re: More jokes

Post by Siberian » Thu Jun 08, 2017 5:20 pm

I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.?

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend??


I said, "My wife found out."

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Siberian
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Re: More jokes

Post by Siberian » Fri Jun 09, 2017 5:11 pm

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ?girls.? I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ?I promise!?

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed? 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ?MIDNIGHT?? he didn?t seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!



Then he said ?We need a new cuckoo clock.?

When I asked him why, he said, ?Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ?oh shit? Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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